i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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