Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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