You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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