i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
