"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
