I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just want nice things and good sex
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
