I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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