If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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