You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
