I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You've changed since you got that strap on
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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