If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
