I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
