Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
