Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dignity is for republicans.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
