I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
