I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
