Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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