I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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