I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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