Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
