i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
