my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
