I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
