Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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