I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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