I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
