I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
