hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
