i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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