Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
