I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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