batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
