I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
