please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
