I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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