He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
