There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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