Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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