My sheets look like a crime scene.
It's Friday. Sex?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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