I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
