I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
