I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
