Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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