Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
