Swine flu. Run for my life!
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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