My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
