I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
