Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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