I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
