I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
