just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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