I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
